Thursday, September 4, 2014

That's What She Said: Joan Rivers Quotes


On September 4th, 2014 at 1:17 pm EST, a comic legend died.  Joan Rivers was 81 when she peacefully passed away from throat surgery complications.  Just a few nights prior, she was doing stand-up for fans at a Q&A event.  Until the day she died, she flew from NYC to LA every week, hosting the popular E! show, Fashion Police.  She coined the widely popular phrase, "Who are you wearing?"  and was unforgettably influential in the entertainment industry.  Joan Rivers was incredibly unique from the inside out.  Love her or hate her, she had a remarkable work ethic and never stopped making people laugh.  She was outspoken, yes, but her fearlessness paved the way for women everywhere, particularly in comedy.

Joan's daughter, Melissa Rivers, stated on the day of her mother's death: "My mother's greatest joy in life was to make people laugh.  Although that is difficult to do right now, I know her final wish would be that we return to laughing soon."   For those ready to return to laughter (with some wisdom sprinkled in between), these quotes are for you.

"I don't exercise.  If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."


"The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels.  I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark."


"I'm no cook.  When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge."



"I've had so much plastic surgery.  When I die they will donate my body to Tupperware."


"Grandchildren can be so fucking annoying.  How many times can you go, 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'?  It's like talking to a supermodel."


"My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks."


"That comes with age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine."


"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."


"There are many self-help books by PhD.'s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A--I've Been Through It All.  This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune."


"My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, 'Pick up, I know you're there.'"


"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have money, you can have a key made."


"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking."


"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."


"Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty."


"Don't be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century."


"I enjoy life when things are happening.  I don't care if it's good things or bad things.  That means you're alive.  Things are happening."


"I blame my mother for my poor sex life.  All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.'  For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

My Journey from Shit-Faced to Sober

Also featured at ThoughtCatalog.com & Writtalin.com 




It was 10am and my studio smelt like cheap wine.  Everywhere.  My body felt like it had been glued to my unkempt bedding; I couldn't move.  My eyes wished they had never opened while my mind already wished it was some place else.  So I got up to forget again.  I started stumbling to the fridge and, oh shit.  I found out why my room smelt like wine.  My laptop was laying on the wooden floor of my San Francisco apartment...wet.  What did I do last night?  All I knew for certain was that my computer was deathly allergic to Chardonnay.  Oh well, at least I had a legitimate excuse to drink.  Man, I deserved one.  And I needed something a little stronger than wine.  The following afternoon would be filled with vodka on the rocks, alone, a no-show at work, and a sloppy attempt at saving my laptop.  I needed it for all the classes I wasn't going to.  I hated myself.  I don't know what particular day this was but that detail doesn't matter.  Every single day was a version of this.  A failure.  Every day was a self-created hell.

My worst moments were private out of fear of being caught.  As a result, if I was on a date, I'd have two drinks max.  With friends?  I'd match how much they were drinking.  Out on my birthday?  Maybe an inappropriately named shot.  I always tried to keep it together on the outside.  However, whenever I got home from a social event, I'd keep drinking, maybe write an embarrassing status on Facebook, and then literally pass out.  Which is why I gradually preferred to skip the social event entirely.  I made up excuses for why I couldn't hang out with my friends anymore.  I'd rather my friends thought I was a flake than a drunk.  It was lonely.  My family wanted to believe I was fine, but I made enough drunken calls to worry them.  I wasn't fine.  I was miserable.

Someone recently told me, "You don't look like an alcoholic."  How can you possibly diagnose someone just by looking at them?  You can't judge a person by their appearance.  I mean, you can, but you'll probably be wrong.  It's 2014, buddy.  Alcoholics, especially treated ones, don't fit your dated stereotype.  I mean, look at Bradley Cooper.  Mega-talented, hot, alcoholic.  They're everywhere.  I have met hundreds of sober people and they are all unique.  Moreover, they're not defined by a label.  However, this is one thing that we all have in common.  We all had to hit a "rock bottom" before we could ever take the scary first steps toward transformation.  Rock bottom is incredible though because there is no place else to go but up!  Unfortunately, admitting you have a problem, a problem so big that you have to make an extraordinarily uncomfortable change in order to survive, is not easy.  But when you feel like everything in your life is falling apart, you have to make a choice.  Fight or give up.

I loved alcohol but it kept kicking my ass.  Like a battered lover, I continued to return to the toxicity for a long time.  Truth is, it helped me escape; which was awesome because I didn't want to deal with the repercussions of my disease.  The missed exams, the suicidal thoughts, the loneliness.  I loved the ability to just escape.  I didn't know how to let that superpower go.  Was it even possible?  I had tried to make rules for myself, like: 1) Don't drink alone.  2) Only drink on the weekends, and 3) Stick to wine.  Sounds easy, right?  Not if you have substance abuse problems.  I couldn't follow my own rules for more than a week.  As a result, I felt so hopeless.  To escape that feeling, I drank.  It wasn't fun.  Eventually, I got desperate enough to ask for help.  Asking for help saved my life.  If you can relate, just know that you're not alone.  Whatever addiction you are struggling with, you have the power within to give it up and move forward.  Sometimes you just have to ask for help.

Two years ago, I made a choice to start treating my life like it mattered.  To treat my family better.  To care.  To wake the fuck up.  On September 2nd, 2012, I gave up alcohol and it still remains the best decision I have ever made for me.  My life continues to get better every day.  Two years ago, I was a dangerously depressed drop-out.  Today, I laugh so hard that I cry.  I worked hard to get back into school and will soon have a bachelors degree from Cal State University Long Beach.  Two years ago, I was a no-show.  Today, you know I'll be there.  I'm a reliable employee and a good friend.  For bonus points, I have a loving boyfriend who has never had a drink in his life.  Two years ago, I had hopes and dreams but didn't think they were possible because of how fucked up I was on a constant basis.  Today, I have hope for my hopes and dreams.  I'm excited for tomorrow.  And you know what?  Today, I feel like James Brown.  I feel good!  That in itself is a miracle.

Sometimes I just have to remind myself of how bad things were when I was drinking because I never want to go back.  I never got a DUI, but I could have.  I should have.  I'm grateful that things were bad enough for me that I was able to give up drinking before things got worse.  I may have taken a longer road than you or you or you, but I've certainly come a long way from that chardonnay-scented San Francisco apartment.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

10 Decent-Paying but Seriously Weird Jobs

Also featured at ThoughtCatalog.com & Writtalin.com

The other day while I was laying in bed with a bowl of coffee, my favorite KTLA news reporter said something that semi-grabbed my attention.  She said, "blah blah blah professional eater blah blah blah."  Professional eater?  My eyes had been opened and it wasn't the coffee this time.  If there was a job title like that out there in the open, what else was there?  As someone who is clearly looking for another job, I had to investigate further.  Listed below are ten of the least talked about jobs in the US of A.  Stay weird, America.

1.  Professional Eater

Did you know that competitive eaters are considered professional athletes?  In fact, like baseball, competitive eating has two major leagues: the International Federation of Competitive Eaters and the Association of Independent Competitive Eaters.  The No. 1 ranked competitive eater is Joey "Jaws" Chestnut, who holds the record for eating 69 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes.  That's over 20,000 calories.  Gross.  But guess what?  That's equivalent to how much money he makes.  If you're tired of your desk job and wondering what it's like to make money by eating 80 chicken nuggets faster than anyone else, this career might just be perfect for you.  'Merica.

Average Pay:  $20,000 a year and the potential to be Subway's next Jared.
Yeah, those are twinkies.
Yeah, those are twinkies.

2.  Professional Snuggler

...or smuggler.
Have you ever considered yourself "the perfect spoon"?  Are you soft in all the right areas?   Wink, wink.  If so, you may want to work for Jacqueline, creator of The Snuggery.  Her company's motto:  "Take a Break.  Have a Snuggle."  According to her, the the world would be a better place if people took the time to be non-sexually touched by a stranger, I mean, professional snuggler.  Ultimately, Jacqueline believes in the healing power of touch.  While some people get enough healing power from a trip on the subway, others may benefit from private snuggle sessions.  Like a retired professional eater.

Average Pay: $90 per 90 minute snuggle sesh

snuggery


3.  Pet Food Tester

I love my dog but I plug my nose when I feed him.  There's no way in hell I'm having what he's having. Did you know that there are people who willingly eat cat and dog food for money?  Simon Allison, one of the most highly paid pet food tasters, is clearly a different breed of human.  His upper-middle class status is entirely the result of his ability to thoroughly chew bits and kibbles like a pro.  Simon's favorite dish for a romantic night with the lady?  An organic luxury chicken dinner with vegetables for cats.

Average Pay:  Not enough

petfood

4.  Fortune Cookie Writer

Someone has to do it.  Could it be you?  Surprisingly, fortune cookies originated as an American tradition Therefore, they are typically written in the United States by white people.  This job is perfect for those who are creative, have excellent grammar skills, and a knack for sage advice.  You don't even need a bachelors degree.

Average Pay:  Your hard work will payoff today.  49 25 7 36 32 40

cookie-8

5.  Lipstick Reader

If you thought palm reading was crazy, think again.  A lipstick reading involves applying fresh lipstick and then kissing a "love card."  A lipstick reader then predicts the woman's past and future simply by reading her lip print.  Muah.

Average Pay: $25 per lip

red lips isolated in white

6.  Snake Milker

Did you know that OC Housewives love their lip gloss spiked with snake venom?  It creates a lip pumping effect that can last up to 12 hours if you apply it every 10 minutes.  But you can't make snake venom, you have to extract it.  That's where snake milkers come in.  A snake milker removes venom from sea snakes, vipers, rattlesnakes, and cobras so that it can be used for good (hospitals and laboratories) and evil (housewives).  This job requires brains just as much as balls, which is why most snake milkers have a Master's degree and a mullet.

Average pay: $2500/month

milking

7.  Professional Binge Watcher

Have you ever binge watched five seasons of, say, The Walking Dead, in one week and thought, "I should have gotten paid for that"?  Is so, an elite team of binge watchers is waiting for you.  The job requires you to wear your pj's while you deconstruct TV shows until your eyeballs glaze over.   Netflix describes the job in further detail: "Successful applicants will analyze films and describe them using objective tags.  The tags work alongside advanced algorithms to generate highly personalized suggestions for every one of Netflix's nearly 50 million members."   Algorithms aside, let's be real, you get motha fuckin' paid to watch TV.

Average pay: $500/week

bingeee

8.  Furniture Tester

If Netflix rejected your dream of becoming a paid TV watcher, a furniture tester might be the next best thing.  Did you know that before you bought your red leather love seat, it was tested for safety and comfort?  Yeah.  Many companies, such as Lazy Boy, hire furniture testers to sit in, lay on, and wiggle wiggle wiggle on potential merchandise.  The tester then gives it a grade based on comfort level.  If you like sitting, and then standing, and then sitting again for hours, it's not a bad gig.

Average pay: $31,000/year

chair

9.  Odor Judge

Ew, what's that smell?  That's the smell of the armpit you're smelling for money.  An odor judge is responsible for testing the effectiveness of deodorant and more.  If you have a sensitive nose, you could make a living by evaluating animal breath or detecting halitosis for mouthwash companies!  The possibilities!

Average pay: $19,000 to $52,000, based on experience.
Odour judge

10.  Chicken Sexer

Wanna stand out on your Match.com profile?  Become a chicken sexer.
"Chick sexing" is the method of distinguishing the sex of a chicken.  Because female chickens provide eggs and male chickens provide meat, it's important to know who is what.  A "chicken sexer" has the glamorous job of figuring that out, helping get eggs on grocery store shelves and chicken breasts on the dinner table.  There's a worldwide chicken sexing competition if you're interested in learning more about the sex of chicks.

Average pay: $1,200/month

chicken

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Five Things That Are Difficult Now but Pay Off Later

[[Also featured on Thought Catalog]]

Building a structured life as a twenty or thirty-something is challenging to say the least.  Despite the fact that you may be doing all the right things, you might be so overwhelmed that you can't imagine when things are finally going to get easier.  If you're feeling more hopeless than hopeful, you are not alone.  However, I guarantee that when you take a moment in a couple years to reflect on this time of your life, you will absolutely notice the transformation that has occurred as a result of your dedication to change.  Your hard work will pay off.

Sometimes things just suck before they get better.

Oily face now, younger looking skin later.

Does your face look like it's been rubbed with a generous serving of McDonald's fries?  Do you shine like a greasy star?  If your face constantly needs to be blotted by a Clearasil Oil Absorbent, I feel you.  In fact, I've probably shared my pack with you.  While those of us with oily skin may have had more breakouts than the rest of the kids on the playground, there is a silver lining.  Oily skin delays the onset of wrinkles better than dry skin because the oils keep skin smooth and moist.  In 30 years when your peers who never had to subscribe to Proactiv put the grand in grandma, you'll look like you haven't aged a day.  Therefore, people with oily skin have a better future.  You can quote me on that.
lifesucks6


Save money now, stress less later.

This one is more of a "note to self."  I'm no Suze Orman.  While I thankfully have no debt, my savings account is pathetic.  Let's be honest, putting money aside is hard when you want to travel everywhere.  However, I have a feeling that life in the future will be a whole lot easier (and the adventures much more frequent) with some savings in the bank.  Before you distribute part of your next paycheck to a savings account, start saving money today by: forgetting Starbucks happened, rolling your car windows down, ditching cable for Netflix, and using coupons like a boss.  You got this.
lifesucks2


Get up early now, feel like superman later.

The other day, I tripped over my alarm clock.  It was on the floor of my bathroom because I had thrown it across my bedroom.  I am not a morning person.  However, I have heard that waking up early is pretty crucial for success.  I mean, it does make sense.  We all have as many hours in a day as Beyoncé.  It's up to us to use them.
lifesucks3

Eat your vegetables now, look hot and healthy later.

I love kale.  I do.  But sometimes a girl just wants to eat like it's the last day on earth.  And who the fuck would eat kale on their last day of existence?  I want a cronut in my mouth on a constant basis.  However, pastries and the like tend to cause weight gain which tends to cause depression which tends to cause...you get it.  The benefits of eating healthy are endless, from anti-aging superpowers to killing off cancerous cells.  While eggplant might see like a boring food option now, your body with thank you for it later.  It is okay to splurge on sugar every now and then, but moderation is always key.  Unless you're eating vegetables.  No one ever said you could eat too many peas.
healthy





Face your fears now, rule the world later.

Perhaps you're afraid of rejection.  Gosh, who isn't?  Being told "no" is a daunting prospect to consider but not putting yourself out there at all is so much scarier.  Is there a job on your radar that you feel is a little bit out of your reach?  Go for it anyway.  Do you have a crush on someone that, quite frankly, makes you weak at the knees?  Ask the human out.  Don't wait another month of your one life waiting to ask for a raise, sign up for that marathon, or apply for the job of your dreams.  Being told "no" sucks but never truly knowing what you're capable of is so much worse.
lifesucks5