Sunday, July 13, 2014

The 10 Commandments All Girls Should Follow

Girl Code:  An unofficial set of guidelines that all girls are encouraged to follow unless they want their weave pulled out.

It's a tough world out there, ladies.  We need to stick together.

Gentlemen, you can go.  Girls, let's break it down.

The 10 Commandments All Girls Should Follow

1.  Thou shalt not covet a dude who has a girlfriend. 

Respect.  It doesn't matter if the dude looks like George Clooney.  If he's taken, back off.  It's not going to happen.  And if it does happen, you just joined forces with a cheater who, guess what, is probably going to cheat on you too.

2.  Thou shalt not kill another woman unless she slept with your man.

I don't usually encourage murder, less bitch in the world can't be a bad thing.

3.  Thou shalt not hook-up with your friend's ex-boyfriend unless your friend gives you permission, which she won't.

Just because your friend isn't in a relationship with him anymore, she was intimate with him and probably definitely doesn't want to think about him with another woman--especially her own friend.  I mean, get real.

4.  Thou shalt carry an extra tampon in one's purse in case you run into a bleeding woman in need.

It's called bathroom etiquette, ladies.  Has your Aunt Flow ever come to town a little too early?  Of course she has.   If you ever run into a woman struggling with this situation, be the period hero and restore her faith in womanhood.

5.  Thou shalt never make a man a priority if he only makes you an option.

We are woman.  WE GIVE LIFE.  Therefore, we're fucking amazing.  Never settle for less than you deserve.

6.  Thou shalt refrain oneself from hating on other women.

Two words: Lena Dunham.  It still blows my mind that women try to body-shame this incredibly multi-talented human from behind their computer screens.  We should be encouraging one another, not tearing each other apart.

7.  Thou shalt not let a girlfriend out in public if she has kale in between her teeth.

She's not going to be embarrassed if you call her out on having something stuck in her teeth.  But she WILL be embarrassed if she runs into her what-could-have-been future husband when she has something stuck in her teeth.  Don't mess with her fate like that.  Wanna go the extra mile?  Give her a toothpick.

8.  Thou shalt not hang out one-on-one with the boyfriend of a woman who isn't you.  

Especially at sunset.  It's weird and inappropriate.  Boundaries, both of you.

9.  Thou shalt be available and present when your girlfriend just got dumped.

When your friend is in need, particularly after getting her heart stomped on, you need to be available like a doctor on call.

10.  Thou shalt not repeat words spoken to you in confidence.

Unless you're looking for some drama, don't be a gossip girl.  Have you ever seen Real Housewives of OC?  It just never ends well.

Bonus Commandment: Thou shalt stop getting relationship advice from Cosmopolitan Magazine.

It's a trap.  

Got it?  Good.