Saturday, October 12, 2013

The Worst Advice I've Ever Given [Because, You Know, Sarcasm]

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Sick and tired of all those self-help articles telling you how to save your money?  What about those budgeting pieces geared towards twenty-somethings?  B-O-R-I-N-G.  Let's talk about some of the ways you can lose your money this fall, and lose it quick!  *Shoots back shot of nutmeg while laughing hysterically*

The List to Lose

1.  Buy a pumpkin spice latte.  Just one grande, and you're on a downhill spiral to homeless.  So why not just upgrade to venti and add an extra shot of espresso?  Go on, honey.  Money can't keep you warm the way PSL can.

2.  Drive everywhere looking for the most attractive autumn tree.  If you live in Southern California, the drive may take you days.  But, hey, adventure.  Gas is, what, a million dollars a gallon?  Don't worry about it.  $$$

3.  You know what?  Just buy all the pumpkin products.  Pumpkin bread.  Pumpkin pie.  Pumpkin yogurt.  Pumpkin coffee.  Pumpkin tea.  Pumpkin candles.  Pumpkin body wash.  Pumpkin cookies.  Pumpkin cupcakes.  Pumpkin ice cream.  Pumpkin crack.  Pumpkin cake pops.  Pumpkin you're broke.

4.  Jump into an assorted pile of colored leaves!  Free, right?  Not until you realize you jumped too far to the left and fell onto the hard earth, breaking your hip.  Your operation will cost thousands of dollars.  But those leaves were really pretty, you know?

5.  Purchase a ticket to see Don Jon at your favorite movie theatre.  Enjoy popcorn and porn [with your mom!] for 2 hours.  You're now twenty dollars poorer.

6.  Your Vogue that cost more than your lunch insists that your feet would look so much better in *those* boots.  You know, those $200 boots with da faux fur.  And those boots would look so much cuter with that overpriced, oversized sweater.  And that sweater would look so much hotter with a new nose.  It's the circle of life.

7.  I think you should totally dress up as Miley Cyrus this year.  You don't need much.  In fact, all you'll need:  A foam finger, tireless tongue, and your bare ass.  [Major cost:  Your fathers tears.]

8.  Take a couple weeks off of work, fly to New York on the 15th of October for 8 days of happy freedom. Have the best fucking time of your life.  No, really, enjoy yourself because you're about to be b-r-o-k-e.

This non-refundable advice has been brought to you by:


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