5 Reasons Why You're Losing Instagram Followers

It's 2014 and everyone is trying to win the Internet.  Or perhaps more accurately, the Instagram.  We all know why Beyoncé has 12 million screaming followers, but why does that 18-year-old nobody have 25k followers while your fan-base is dropping by the day?  Well, there are two reasons.  1) That 18-year-old is hot and has established a brand in the fashion industry.  2) You're probably doing something wrong.

Due to the undiagnosed depression I suffered after finding out my so-called "friend" unfollowed me (stay away from Statigram), I now take this social medium a little too seriously.  But, hey, at least I'm not posting a series of hot dog legs anymore.  Or participating in photo-a-day challenges fit for an unemployed tween.  Yes, I did those things.  Yes, I'm ashamed.

Unlike Lindsay Lohan, I learned from my mistakes.

We all follow(ed) someone who posts more selfies than Kim K and still ignores the golden rule: Don't post more than three photos at a time!  These people need to be stopped.  If you are doing any of the below, it's time for an insta-makeover before you find yourself insta-friendless.  You're welcome.

5 Reasons Why You're Losing Instagram Followers

1.  You post photos of you and your boyfriend swapping spit.

Ick!  While 69% of us are so thrilled that you have a significant other, we don't need to see how you two get down behind closed doors.  Quite frankly, we don't want to feel like we're there with you and your intertwined tongues.  So save it for YouPorn.  Or hey, save it for yourselves.  Nobody, not even Hugh Hefner, wants to see a 4x4 of your boyfriend sucking your toe.  Nobody.

Potential followers lost:  A lot.  Like, all of them.

2.  You upload multiple photos at the same time.

Are you experiencing a downshift in your number of likes and/or followers?  That is because you are overwhelming the shit out of us.  Your excitement to upload four photos in four seconds from your company picnic is annoying as fuck.  Let's keep it semi-professional here.  This is Instagram!  But, um, are you guys hiring?

Potential followers lost: 4 x 4 x 4 x 4= 256

3.  All your photos are selfies.

Unless you're Miranda Kerr or trying to grow your career as a model, you just can't get away with this act of narcissism without seeing your number of followers drop by the dozen.  Note: There is nothing wrong with posting the occasional #selfie.  It's the Instagram users who only post selfies that need to get a grip.  Amiright?

Potential followers lost:  Everyone over the age of 16.

4.  Hot dog legs, hot dog legs, hot dog motha fuckin legs.

Hot Dog Legs: Bare legs that could easily be mistaken for extruded meat product.

I used to post photos like this on a semi-regular basis.  Usually with a book.  Like, "Hey guys, I read.  But check out my legs!"  I'd like to use this platform to formally apologize and also to clarify that they were indeed my legs, not hot dogs. Honestly, Instagram user, do you really want your body compared to pieces of meat or used as inner thigh-gap porn?  I didn't think so.  And to those people who take photos of their legs in the bathtub...are you kidding me?  Everyone is visualizing you naked right now.  Edit yourself.

Potential followers lost:  Equivalent to the number of  Frankfurt's in a 3 lb. Costco Big Pack.

5.  You use too many needy hashtags.

While it's nice to get 'likes' and new followers, there is no need to be desperate.  Using the hashtags: #likeforlike, #teamfollowback, and #followme, will most likely lead your soon-to be ex-followers to question your authenticity.  Please don't spam strangers either.  Unless you're a spammer too, that shit will get you blocked.

Potential followers lost: #toomanytocount